Having “The Talk”

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A key element to “having the talk” is the timing.

Seniors can either be living independently  or with relatives or, in some cases, with friends. When seniors they live on their own the signs of when to “have the talk” are a lot more evident, its when they live with relatives or friends that the signs are sometimes harder to detect.

Visits can be the time when a family realizes that elderly parents or grandparents aren’t coping with getting older as well as they had hoped. There may be red flags like piles of unopened mail,  loved one may have lost a lot of weight or their home may be dirty and the refrigerator almost empty. It may be apparent that hygiene and grooming are becoming a challenge. A sudden flurry of trips to the ER is also a good indicator that their health is declining and added care or support is needed.

The care or support can come in the form of :

• “In-home” care  where caregivers are contracted and scheduled to visit the senior at their own home and to provide a range of services to support maintaining a quality of daily life.
• Independent seniors living
• Assisted living

Starting a conversation about including home care in the lives of older loved ones can be awkward. According to a recent Caring Right at Home poll, the need for care is the No. 1 subject families find difficult to discuss! It’s an ironic role reversal—you want the parents whose advice you often ignored to listen to you now.

Before you bring up the topic, take a look at tips from seasoned caregivers that might ensure your conversation yields the outcome you’re looking for:

1. Come from a place of compassion. Put yourself in your loved one’s shoes and empathize with their feelings surrounding change. Listen to their concerns and validate them as normal.
2. Choose the right time. Many seniors are calmer and have more energy in the morning. A good time to broach the subject may be after you’ve all had a good breakfast and everyone’s feeling comfortable.
3. Watch for natural conversational starting points. If your mom discusses a neighbor who fell while cleaning and is recuperating, ask her what she would do if she fell and ask, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone come in and clean?”
4. Share your own feelings. Let your loved one know that having someone looking out for them would ease your stress level and enhance your well-being, knowing they are safe.
5. Include your loved one in the decision-making process. If you reach a point where your loved one acknowledges they could use some help, reassure them that they are still in control. Participating in finding the right solution will help in making the transition a comfortable experience.
6. Use independence as motivation. Remind your loved one that with the help of a professional caregiver, they will be able to go out and about, and spend more time doing the things they enjoy —in short, they will enjoy more freedom.
7. Focus  on their continued physical and mental health. Professional care promotes the best possible future health outcome.
8. Social well-being is another key factor. Often the elderly feel abandoned, lonely or useless. Show them how being amongst other like-minded people they could develop new social circles, be more active and continue to contribute to those around them.

If you’ve reached the point where your loved one is willing to consider in-home care, a good place to start is to have an agency provide a needs assessment. During this meeting, everyone can discuss the services that would be of most benefit. It’s best to have your loved one participate in this step if possible. After the assessment, discuss with your loved one how they would like to move forward. You can start small—perhaps just having a caregiver come in once a week to clean, to ensure your loved one is eating properly, and to help with medication reminders.

Finally, it is best to start these conversations early on, before your loved one experiences a health crisis or their condition has deteriorated too far. Thinking about home support services is an important part of healthcare planning!  While they’re still healthy, ask your parents what their plans are, should they ever become unable to manage on their own. A series of smaller conversations is always preferable to being forced into having the “big talk.”